Monday, April 14, 2014

Just another day in paradise...

As always in the world there is good news and bad news.  The good news first, I'm just that kind of gal.  Memphis is in underpants.  Like, he pees on the potty almost every damn time.  He hasn't had a number two yet that was totally successful but he sure has tried like hell!  I'm really proud of him.

We tried a three day potty training program and it didn't work worth a shit for us, it took more like the 5 day plan but then he finally got it.  All it took was for him to get some big boy underwear and he got the idea just that easy.  Was really pretty cool!  He even stays dry at night and during naps although I'm keeping him in pullups or cloth trainers and a plastic pant just in case.

Now on to the other stuff.  I am still feeling pretty shitty.  Mentally, I just can't get a grip on what's going on in my life.  My "housemates" are worse to live with than anyone else I've ever lived with and I've lived with some real peachy people in my day.  I don't even feel like it's a family here.  I don't feel like anyone wants me around unless they need me to fill out a form for them or fix something for them or do something for them or or or...

I feel unwelcome.  I feel shitty.  I feel like no one even wants to talk to me unless it's to complain about someone else.  I don't know what to do.  So for the most part, I sit in my bedroom and I don't leave it and I cry and I cry and I cry.  My "family" doesn't seem to care at all.  They don't seem to want to help me, they don't want to make things any better for anyone, let alone me.

I started writing this blog and then put it down for a while.  While it was closed there was a blow up with my "family" yet again.  This is not a happy family.  I asked for some peace and quiet to meditate, to try to calm my soul and my nerves and it evolved into a screaming match that ended with my daughter no longer being my friend on facebook and threatening me with calling every authority available to try to convince them I am an unfit mother.  That is my biggest fear.  It goes beyond the normal every mother has this fear.  I have had children's services called on me many times.  A couple of them by my own mother.  Once was just days after having a miscarriage.  Boy is that fun to have a social worker screaming at you that you will lose your remaining children as "God saw fit not to give you another baby".  Yes, that's really what the woman told me.  While I had the blood of a miscarriage running down my leg because she wouldn't allow me to go to the restroom.

These things traumatize me.  Everything does I guess.  I'm broken, I'm wounded.  I have social anxiety and I'm afraid of people.  I just want people to like me, that is all I want in the world and I feel like a total failure because NO ONE DOES.  I'm sitting here writing this with tears streaming down my face and I don't feel like there is anyone on the whole planet that understands.  Or that even wants to. My name is trouble, and no one wants to deal with me I guess.  Yes, this is the blog of a troubled woman.  This is the blog of someone mentally flawed.  Physically disabled.  Perhaps even an admitted bitch.  I have a lot of things going through my head all at once all the time and I don't know how to deal with anything.  I guess I'm kind of rambling on now, so I'm going to leave you for today in the hopes that I can get my shit together and be "normal" soon.  Maybe I'll feel better.  Maybe I won't.

Until next time...
J

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Smells Like Teen Spirit...



WHAT?!?  I know, that sounds so gross right?  Yeah, well, it is.  There are a few things along the way that i hadn't told the world about.  Mainly, because I was embarrassed by them.  And partly, because I already blast so much weird shit all over the internet that sometimes I think people probably think I make half of if up or exaggerate it anyway so if I add to it, people will think I've got an even more broad imagination. (How's THAT for a run on sentence?)  Ok, so...there is even more to my weirdness that most of you don't know.  A few of you real lifers know, but well, you know all this shit's for real anyway too, so you know I'm not JUST crazy.  Even though I'm that too.

About a year ago my next door neighbor called the health department on us.  The complaint was that the pool was green and that there was an overwhelming amount of dog shit.  So an inspector came for a surprise visit.  The pool was green.  They gave us one week to correct it and moved to the dog shit issue.  Now, keep in mind I have six dogs.  Yep, that's right. Six.  A really lot of dogs that shit all over that back yard.  BUT, that is one thing that is actually kept up with.  Because with that many dogs, if it wasn't we'd live in a pile of dog shit.  So they ask how many dogs, Ronnie tells them, and the inspector says unfounded claim.  But the pool lingers over our heads like a dark cloud for the next year and is STILL a thorn in my side, but we'll come back to that.  So that is complaint number one (or shall we say, inspection number one).   

It wasn't of course the last of things.  It never is right?  But it was the last of that particular inpector.  Officer Sprague comes next.  Now see, he has issues many citations over the years over one thing or another.  Just this past year alone we've wracked up a whopping 7 $500 tickets for an unregistered nonworking vehicle in the driveway.  Odd thing about this is, we have two of them but only one gets the ticket.  So there that is, the one that leaked all its fluids on the driveway has gotten a fuckton of tickets too.  And the sideyard.  And some bare grass.  And we have the garbage cans visible fro the street.

So one day the doorbell rings and it is Officer Sprague to inspect a complaint.  Evidently, we're hoarders, like worthy of the TLC cable show variety. And, well, I'm just not.

Uhhhh...WHAT IN THE HOLY SHIT FUCK ARE YOU SAYING TO ME RIGHT NOW?





  


These are pictures of my house, not even that clean, and my neighbors, plural, reported us as being hoarders. WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE DO THIS? For one, a woman that has lived next to my grandma for 35 years,  how nice huh? The others? Her friends.  Thing is, my grandma WAS a hoarder, but we cleaned it all out when we moved in here. We had to!  So yeah, that happened to, unpleasantly.  He came and took pictures of literally every inch of my home.  He also said the claim was unfounded, but he had to take the pictures to prove it in the file. How embarrassong for me.

Now as for the title.  My kids stink. In more ways than one. Including the child I'm married to.  I mean, they stunk before, but this is awful....so if you happen to read this you too big ones, clean up your act and SHOWER MORE.

Until next time...
J






                                                                         

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Where in the World is Lois and her Photos???

Yeah yeah, I know, I'm way way way late on my mamatography and my posts and my this and my that and my everything!  I got sick.  I got back to back viruses (thanks to my germ spreader of a second grader) and I've been really really trying not to land myself in the hospital.  I very much dislike being sick, as if anyone enjoys it right?  But this shit...man...this was awful.

It's been one after another after another and although I'm not the only one that's been ill, I've caught every single bug that's come my way.  So the whole house has been sick, but get this, I'm the only one that can't take cold medicine.  Because I've got the bum ticker and all.

I have this thing about people that are sick complaining when they won't take something to feel better.  If you won't take anything to help yourself, don't come crying to me that you don't feel well.  But I live in a house full of complainers that won't take a damn dayquil and stfu about it. So yeah, that's been my last month or 6 weeks or so.

This last round, no one else "caught" so I'm relatively sure it was not viral but yet another issue that is only mine.  Intestinal.  Couldn't keep anything down or in or whatever.  Spent about two weeks in my bathroom.  Blessedly, I was able to get some medical marijuana (of course insurance does not cover this particular medication, so although it is legal for me to obtain, have and consume, I pay out of pocket and it is rather expensive and something I can almost never afford) that helped me get some appetite back and keep some food down to the extent that I could manage the illness.  It seems to have been a horrible inflammatory bowel disease flair.  I am feeling much better than I was, but not good.  And just in time for...you guessed it...my pilonidal to flair itself back up, and my legs are not working right again.  If it ain't one thing it's another right?



So I WILL get back to my mamatography posts, I will get back to my regular posting, and I will get back to my normal routine.  Even if it wasn't ever very normal.  But not this week.  And not next week either because I may be in the hospital for an overnighter next Friday for a pulmonary function test.  Because they have to shoot me full of albuterol for that, and albuterol makes my heart freak the fuck out, they have a room set up in case I can't handle the test and they have to keep me, but the hope is I do fine and can go back home when I'm done.

That's where I'm at right now, that's what's been going on with me.  I'd love to know what's been going on with all of you, so if you stop by, leave me a comment and let me know how you've been and what you've been up to with your family!  Look forward to a "catchup" post or 5 in the next couple weeks and we'll see what I can do for my other posts.

Until next time....
J

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Mamatography 2014, Weeks 6 & 7...

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Yeah, I'm REALLY late this week! I'm also combining the two weeks to play catch up because I'm behind the other people doing this project and I would like to be on the same week as everyone else.  I'm not gonna lie, this last 10 days or so, my world has been more than a little stressful and if you are a regular reader, you know what I'm talking about.

I did another collage because I have not kept up with my picture a day which is really strange for me. Even when NOT doing this project, I live my life in photographs and have ever since I've had the ability. Like I said last week, I'm just having a hard time keeping my head on straight but I'm working on it ;)

My lil Phizzy is sick, so next week may not be a heck of a lot better, but I will be back to my regular format I do believe...

               

As you all know, a lot of my pics are Memphis, but I'm going to try to get the other kids involved too when I can!  We had some great weather here, lil man discovered the joys of shaving cream painting in the bath, and I had a blast watching my favorite cat Jynx watch television.  The picture of the frown? That's because I wasn't going with them that day to walk to pick up Maxwell from school (I was hurting too much and very tired from walking the day before) but how cute is that look?  So that's my story for the weeks and I'll be posting a regular post in the next few days I hope about our saga with the taxes.  Fun fun fun (not)!  

Until next time...
J

Saturday, February 15, 2014

The Ten Day Pedicure for UNDER $5 Tutorial...


Ok, this one is not my usual brand of posts, but I just had to share it. It's not going to have a ton of pics like some nail tutorials have, but I'm going to explain how I keep mine this long, and what products I use.

I rarely have much money to spend on cosmetics, so I really do stick with mainly drug store brands. As far as polish goes, Wet n Wild has about the best staying power and a while back, they came up with an even longer lasting product called Megalast.  It really does what it says it does!  Ok, on to the good part...



These are the only two colors I've got of this polish, but believe me...I'm going to be getting several more ASAP.

The first thing you've always got to do with ANY pedicure is remove old polish, of course.  I also soak my feet in an Epsom salt and listerine bath (in a big pot of water or one of those foot bath things, but I don't have one so I just use a big pot).  I've got a pumice stone I rub off all the old gross skin after they soak and slather them with coconut oil. ALWAYS coconut oil for me, but obviously, you can use whatever you use for your regular moisturizer.  Let it soak in for a while!



Gather up all your supplies...you'll see on my tray I've got hand sanitizer, I'll explain that in just a sec, but first I want to explain the nail brush. A lot of the time even AFTER I moisturize, I have some flakes around my cuticle area, so I like to take a stiff nail brush and gently buff that off.  If your nails need to be trimmed, do that next and be sure to always cut toes straight across to avoid ingrowns because OMG they suck.  I had a horse step on my big toe when I was 18 and I'm very prone to them so I'm super careful about this.  Then take the file, and smooth out the edges.  

Next, you'll want to take the little stick you see there, or the plastic one that comes in your manicure kit and GENTLY push your cuticles back...make sure you are nice to your skin, otherwise, you're gonna end up just ripping the cuticle and making the edges of the polish bleed onto your skin.  Now here is where the hand sanitizer comes in.  Put a dab on a cotton swab and swab each and every one of your nails.  This is going to take off the extra oils on your nails and make the polish take hold REALLY WELL.  You can also use rubbing alchohol or vinegar in this step, I just prefer the scent of hand sanitizer.

Here is the easy part.  Paint those piggies. Use thin coats and make sure they dry all the way in between.  If you don't wait for them to dry, you'll get bubbles in the polish, or it'll smear, or just some bad shit is gonna happen and you're gonna have to start over again.  

How does this last ten days you ask?  On day 4 or 5, put a fresh coat on. Just one thin one, too many coats and it's going to chip off.  I use the combo of these two colors and like to put the glittery white on the last few days.  Say, day 8 or 9.  You can mix and match or whatever you'd like of course!  This pic, is day 11.


As you can see, still going strong day 11...and on day 13...this is what I've got:


Still no chips or cracks.  I didn't use any base coat, no top coat and the best part of all? This polish only costs $1.99 a bottle.  That's a ten day pedicure for UNDER FIVE BUCKS!

So there ya have it, that's my cheap pedi tutorial for you, I hope it works as well for you as it has for me. Please let me know in the comments if you try it and how it works!

Until next time...
J


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

The World According to Juniper...

Yeah, that's my actual name.  Some of you knew that, but most of you just know me by my internet alias Lois Griffin.  Long story short on that is that I love Family Guy, evidently I resemble her character in appearance and my children dared me to use it as a facebook profile.  It kind of took off from there and now virtually all of my internet social networking sites I have that listed as my name.  In the world we live in, I figured the combination of showing my naughty bits all over the world AND using my real name while living in a rather small area in which I was born and raised could be a safety risk.  So that's how that went.  I don't know why exactly I felt like explaining that because this blog is nothing about that really, but it explains the title I guess.

I'm having a bad week. Just an altogether fuck shit stack of craziness that I can't seem to work my head through.  I don't know that I'm any better today than I was when I wrote the last blog.  I'm embarrassed that I blasted all that all over, but I feel better having gotten it out.  I also feel like maybe I'm not the only wife with a husband like that, so maybe there's one person out there that read it and feels a little less alone because of it.

In the saga that is my mother, we've been battling a housewide virus for over a month.  All of us have had it.  The little boys have had it the worst and the longest, Maxwell spent over a month coughing and in and out of the doctor's office.  Ronnie finally got it and it kicked his ass pretty bad.  100 degree fever and coughing so hard it was making him see stars.  I couldn't get him to go to the doctor to save his life so he just took dollar store dayquil and powered through and still is.  My mom on the other hand went to the ER (I think) 5 times via ambulance 4 of those times she was not admitted and the last time, she called without our knowledge at 4 something in the morning without waking anyone else in the house up.  Keep in mind my 20 year old daughter is in the bedroom next to hers.  She had the presence of mind to pack herself a bag, hide her "good drugs" (because she's convinced I steal them) and tell the medics to be semi quiet so as not to wake the sleeping children upstairs.  We know this now because we have since talked to the EMT.  They also discovered the level of morphine in her system was more than triple what it should be at her prescribed dose.  That last 911 call, she told them she had no one to help her, she put my whole family at risk, yet again, because she needed to take a vacation in the hospital.  When she got there that time, they did finally admit her, from what I understand, because they just didn't want her to keep coming in by ambulance every day or every other day until they did.  While she was there, her primary care doctor told her that hospitals are not hotels, and that there are people that are truly sick that need to be there.  But yet they kept her there for a week to monitor her meds because they could clearly see that she had overtaken her morphine.  She comes home to what should have been 2 weeks worth of meds and has none.  Who does she blame?  Me.  Because ya know I must have stolen them all from her.  So that I could what?  Take them myself?  Sell them?  WTF?  I get the same fucking drugs and if I DO overtake mine (and I admit, there are months that I do and I run out for a few days before refill time) I just suck it up and get the shits until refill day.  BUT I DON'T STEAL HER PILLS.  Hell, most of my drugs are better than hers anyway.  Not the point, but damn.  So now she's home, convinced I'm the reason she's out of her meds, because whatever she didn't take she can't find...and you know what, that serves her right.

While she was in there, I had a doctor's appointment of my own.  I had my pain management appointment and several things about that scared me.  That makes two doctors now that have told me that this staph infection running rampant will probably just kill me dead if I don't deal with it sooner rather than later.  I can't afford to live without my device, but beyond that, from what this doctor can tell, the cyst is wrapping around my spine bad enough that it's affecting my ability to walk now too.  Some days I'm fine, some days my legs buckle mid step and I look like I'm walking drunk.  My god I wish I could get drunk....But anyway, beyond just the pain factor, which there is a really lot of mind boggling head spinning, make you want to rip your ears off just to distract yourself from the burning hot iron of ache running from your tailbone to the top of your head while your whole spine throbs.  And did I mention while it's doing that every little bone spur (all 17 of them in various places on various vertebrae pressing on various nerves of their own) ping off little spikes of pain in various directions and to various limbs?  I promise, there really IS A REASON they put me on pain pills for the rest of my life.  When we talked about surgical removal of any of those spurs the orthopedic surgeon looked from me to my husband and said "my insurance isn't that good, I wouldn't operate on you with someone else's hands".  And that was the end of trying to find a surgical solution to by back pain.  Anyway, beyond that, there's this infection in there.  Sepsis in a body like mine is fatal.  It's not something any doctor is delusional enough to think I'll recover from...I may LOOK pretty healthy on the outside, but I'm one fucked up body once you peel off the skin.

Moving on,  how this is affecting me I cannot fully explain.  I want nothing more than to be a functional human being.  To get up in the morning, have a cup of coffee and go sit in my living room and watch the world go by while I putter around the house and do what I can do.  But I can't.  When she's here, she makes messes I can't contend with, she feeds all our food to the animals, she does whatever she can to alienate us all and then treats us like we are demons for wanting some independence of our own.  Before we moved here, we weren't doing great per se, but we did ok.  We had our car to go places, we had happiness.  I can't find my happy.  I don't know how.  And I feel so lost and so sad that I can't be happy for my children while all of this is going on.  I need help and I know that.  I need counseling, maybe to have my psych meds upped a bit.

I'm hoping maybe some of my readers out there will have some encouraging words for me because if now is ever the time to start commenting, I REALLY NEED IT.  On that note, I'm gonna go clean up a pile of puppy shit and help phiz go to the bathroom, maybe in that order or maybe not.
Until next time...
J



Monday, February 10, 2014

I'm Back To Basics...

Basically, the desire to be alone.  Completely and utterly alone for a while.  I love my kids, I love my family, but I'm struggling.  I'm dealing with so much that I just can't manage to get a grip on even one thing and get control over a portion of any of my life.  Yep, it's one of those posts.  I don't know why I get like this.  I think part of it is my drops in a bucket theory and my bucket just gets full and sloshes onto my shoes and it makes me mad that my shoes got wet.  It's not just the one little thing, it's the everything combined that turn me into the monster.  The yeller as the kids would say.  I'm not proud of it.  I'm not proud that I keep losing my shit, but I do.  I even probably possess the coping mechanisms to not act like a tool, but I don't use them.

I live in a house with an adult child that is not finished with school, has no concrete plans TO finish, unless I set it up for her and even then I'll probably have to make her do the damn work.  She has virtually no chores in the house and the few she does have, she doesn't do.  The next one down does stuff.  Half assed stuff that I almost always have to re do or have him re do while he's telling me what a great job he did and how it's my fault it got messed up.  These two also tell me that I expect and demand them to live up to unbelievably high standards.  All they care about is being unbelievably high on my medical marijuana.

Then you step down to the 8 year old and I don't even know where to go there yet.  He tantrums like a toddler, he's been getting bullied at school, he won't brush his teeth and he refuses to eat and drink anything off his set list of food.  The next one down is the little one.  Still nursing, still has major separation issues.  I can't even take a shit alone.  I haven't been to the bathroom alone for twenty years.  That part is wearin real damn thin.  But this is in the name of motherhood.  I knew that I was signing on for this, and for this, I will graciously (ok, or not) take my dues.

My husband on the other hand is just a self centered, self serving moron.  When we got married, there was never any sex deal.  Nothing like if things got slow, there'd be some kind of prodding to get things moving again.  Nope.  Frankly, he just doesn't care.  He never has.  He didn't care when I was on Depo/Provera shots and had an eleven MONTH period and didn't feel real sexy most of the time.  He didn't particularly care when I was put on pelvic rest (no sex) during two pregnancies.  He just doesn't care, if it's not about him and his dick, he doesn't care.  What I mean by that is...HE DOESN'T CARE HOW I FEEL, IF HE WANTS SEX, HE DAMN WELL BETTER GET IT OR HE WILL TREAT ME LIKE SHIT UNTIL HE DOES.  And it doesn't matter what my health is like at the time.  He does not care if it's because my heart is not well and I just can't catch my breath "don't ya know he'll do all the work", he doesn't care if I've twisted my back picking up a kid cuz "don't ya know he'll do all the work", he doesn't care if I've got a pilonidal cyst that is encroaching on my spinal canal to the point that I'm having a hard time walking because, you guessed it, "he'll do all the work ya know".  I'm sure to a lot of you this is way too much information.  but SHOCKINGLY I do not have any real life friends to talk to.  Like none.  Not a damn one in my every day life that I could have a conversation like this about.

But this is causing me to feel so worthless is all other areas.  Everywhere.  I'm not even pretty in the face anymore and all men ever want from me is to get them off.  When does what I want come in to play if ever?  When is is ever going to matter how much it hurts to know that I'm not married because he loves me, but because he thought I'd be a convenient piece of ass and now that I'm not, he barely talks to me.  He says I don't treat him like I love him and he doesn't feel loved and cared for.  I don't either, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't care about that part.  Lately, I'm pretty sure he just doesn't care much about me at all.

I've gotten myself as depressed as I can for now, so I'm going to leave off here.
Until next time...
J